Tonight was a scary night. I had to deal with myself tonight, with no help from anybody or anything. It was very difficult and very saddening. I have a feeling that there will be many more moments like that throughout my time here. But inexplicably, I also have the feeling that sooner or later (preferably sooner), I will learn how to fight them off.

I’m going to have to. I have no choice.

Let me rephrase: I have a choice, but I am not giving myself another option. This has to be the way things go.

You are driving me absolutely positively insane. I realize now that it’s just going to be like this with you and me always, from now until possibly eternity. The dynamic between us hurts me. It pulls at me. It’s a current I could maybe lose myself in if I am not careful.

And you, you are so oblivious. So beautifully, wonderfully, tragically oblivious. And you always will be, and it breaks my heart. You are perpetual heartbreak. I feel it everywhere, in my soul, in my bones, and you just float on…

And I know it’s unintentional, but you weigh me down, darling.

Why is this always a constant struggle? Why, after all these goddamn years?

Dear Ashley,

It’s time to get your head on straight. You’re forgetting why you came back home and losing yourself and everything you’ve learned in the past year-and-a-half, and for what? For flames of the past? For “ones who got away”? You are higher than that these days.

Get back on the fucking road and learn how to follow it. Let go of those needless, empty distractions. You’ve got much, much bigger fish to fry.

With love,
Your (Hopefully) Higher Self

The day has finally gotten better, which these days means something completely and totally inappropriate has caused it, of course. But hey, you grab your thrills where you can get them, right?

every time i gain some ground
i gotta turn myself around again

No adding philosophy class, no textbook voucher, still no sign of you-know-who. Not a good fucking day.

I’m starting to get nostalgic already. Bad sign.

I hate that there are people who can transform me into someone I no longer wish to be. No one should have that power over me. I thought I was past that. It is unaccountably and inexplicably irritating, not to mention deeply unsatisfying, to be subconsciously at the mercy of social acceptance.

But all melodrama aside… I’m feeling good. I know you wouldn’t believe it from all this introspection and complaining that I have been doing, but really, I am feeling refreshed and motivated and all sorts of other good things.

I just wish I’d have tried going to bed tonight earlier, before the inevitable nostalgia had a chance to sink in.

I am wiped. I just woke up from a 3 hour nap from spending 5 hours at school. I really need to get re-used to this whole school thing, I guess.

Other than unusual amounts of exhaustion, I had a good day. Better than most, anyway.

I wish I could find this kind of writing committment towards my actual, real life, paper journal. Typing is just faster. So I’m a lazy tech head, sue me.

I think that maybe when I signed up for psychology, I was actually looking for philosophy. I’m going to add that class tomorrow afternoon. I’m feeling existential this semester.

It sometimes shocks me that there are still people in this world, in this city even, that are just… so… mean. I feel that we are constantly evolving, progressing toward a better state of consciousness, a higher level of happiness, and to see that evidently some people are getting left behind is always a surprise to me. Do I have too much faith in humanity?

I’m waiting to run into certain undisclosed individuals on campus today and I haven’t yet and it’s starting to bug me, although it really really really really really really really should not. I can’t afford to be that way anymore.