Why am I so drawn to you? I mean, besides the fact that you are incredibly good-natured and an intriguing person to hold conversation with. Besides the fact that you text me in the middle of the day asking where I am just so we can keep each other company. Besides the fact that you offer me your jacket when it’s cold and ask if I want to try riding your skateboard when you know perfectly well I will need to hold your arm to keep my balance. Besides the fact that you not only accommodate me when I suggest you scoot closer to me for body warmth because it’s cold outside, but you snuggle right up against me to make sure you are blocking the wind. Besides the fact that you always remember everything I say and genuinely surprise and impress me when you bring it up later. Besides the fact that we can drive around in your cute little blue car chatting it up and you try to find CDs to play for me and assure me you will play it for me next time if you can’t find it.

I mean, all of these minor details aside… what makes you so great?

We have known each other for ten years and been friends for seven of them. Why is it that I am only just now getting to know you one-on-one? It doesn’t seem fair. Not at all.

It doesn’t help either that you are an attractive perfect gentleman.

I have terrible timing.

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I close my eyes and my senses are flooded.  I’m in the studio again with you that night, an idea of what is about to happen floating around in my head.  Our words flow freely, the result of one too many games of beer pong.  I find you a refreshing change of pace, strange and new and different.  And forbidden.  You find me an unlikely source of inspiration.  You write something that I say on your white board of lyrics.  “Be Discovered…”  I watch you cap the pen and I wonder faintly whether or not there is a double meaning to that phrase.

I’m in your room with the Blink-182 posters and the mirror as long as the wall, and the three acoustic guitars that were our excuse for coming in here.  I sit on your bed and look around, surprised at how neat you are.  You’re playing me something and I’m attempting to play along.  It strikes me how similar this moment is to the last one I wrote about like this.  It’s not long before you’re dimming the lights and my thoughts are spinning but at the same time my head is perfectly, extraordinarily clear and I know exactly where I am and what I’m doing and why I’m letting it happen.  I hold a desire for you that came out of nowhere, or out of being really good at drinking games, and pretty soon it is skin against skin in the darkness and it thrills me.  An electric shock is running through my body.  Your silhouette against the wall as the lamplight outside shimmers through the curtains - the laughter and voices out in the kitchen of the party that sealed our fate - our whispered words getting lost in the midst of the passion -

You remind me of something that I can’t put my finger on, you and everything you stand for, so I think of you all the time in order to figure it out.  I wonder how long it will take me.

So many things I told myself I wouldn’t do, and I am doing them.

I’m thinking of everything at once. It hurts.

How is it possible to party until 4 in the morning, knock out until ten o’clock, suffer a seemingly interminable hangover for most of the day, and then still be voluntarily awake and cheerful at 11:30 at night?

I am working on English homework and I am only partially concentrating. I am also hyped up on caffeine, with a little bit of the monstrous hangover left from this morning. All of these things together equal what I’m pretty sure is an alternate version of hell.

It’s so bad that I need to take a break from writing, to write. What the fuck.

Plus it’s very hot in this room. I’m thinking of migrating outside but that’s as far as I’ve gotten with that.

I need to finish this homework. I need to turn it in tomorrow, complete. I need to calm down and drink some water. I need to maybe sit outside in the fresh air and take many deep breaths.

I have many things on my to-do list, as you can see. I just can’t fight through to my productive side tonight. Something’s blocking the way.

It is extremely infuriating. A week and a half into the semester and already I’m struggling. It’s always the struggle.

are not oblivious. I was mistaken.

There are so many things to say but I don’t know where to start. I am in a love/hate relationship with coming back home… but that’s nothing new. I constantly miss Adam and Nova. I’m wondering how I’m going to handle an entire semester of this, let alone an entire year.

Unfortunately, this was my own decision and I’ve just got to suck it up.

Worth noting: I’ve found this odd new love of learning. I get honestly, genuinely excited to go to class. Or maybe I have explained that the wrong way… what I mean to say is that I dread going to class, but once I’m in there, I’m attentive and fully focused and ready to be productive and learn something new.

And considering I am taking basically all repeat classes this semester, I guess that’s a good thing, right? I am taking this to mean that I am maturing, somewhat, maybe, possibly.

I got to spend yesterday with Nova. A week away from her is almost unbearable. It refreshed me yesterday to be able to be with her again, but now I’ve got to deal with another week, and I am almost positive that by Friday I am going to feel just as I did near the end of last week: irrationally lonely and depressed.

I don’t really get it.

Oh well. One day at a time.

I just spent an hour and a half in the library at school doing (and completing!) English homework. I am now on one of the computers upstairs, rewarding myself with blogging, although I should really be rewarding myself with a good meal. Having a permit but not a license sucks. Having no car to practice driving with sucks. The sum of these things, having no immediate transportation, sucks the most of all. I am always stuck here for longer than I’d like to be.

I was also planning to go to the gym today and run, but that is clearly not happening today. I feel utterly and completely exhausted. Had to get up too early, and not even for anything worthwhile.

At least I did some homework and got to eat some ice cream. The latter really always makes any day worthwhile. Any day.

Tonight was a scary night. I had to deal with myself tonight, with no help from anybody or anything. It was very difficult and very saddening. I have a feeling that there will be many more moments like that throughout my time here. But inexplicably, I also have the feeling that sooner or later (preferably sooner), I will learn how to fight them off.

I’m going to have to. I have no choice.

Let me rephrase: I have a choice, but I am not giving myself another option. This has to be the way things go.