So many things I told myself I wouldn’t do, and I am doing them.

I’m thinking of everything at once. It hurts.

How is it possible to party until 4 in the morning, knock out until ten o’clock, suffer a seemingly interminable hangover for most of the day, and then still be voluntarily awake and cheerful at 11:30 at night?

I am working on English homework and I am only partially concentrating. I am also hyped up on caffeine, with a little bit of the monstrous hangover left from this morning. All of these things together equal what I’m pretty sure is an alternate version of hell.

It’s so bad that I need to take a break from writing, to write. What the fuck.

Plus it’s very hot in this room. I’m thinking of migrating outside but that’s as far as I’ve gotten with that.

I need to finish this homework. I need to turn it in tomorrow, complete. I need to calm down and drink some water. I need to maybe sit outside in the fresh air and take many deep breaths.

I have many things on my to-do list, as you can see. I just can’t fight through to my productive side tonight. Something’s blocking the way.

It is extremely infuriating. A week and a half into the semester and already I’m struggling. It’s always the struggle.

are not oblivious. I was mistaken.

There are so many things to say but I don’t know where to start. I am in a love/hate relationship with coming back home… but that’s nothing new. I constantly miss Adam and Nova. I’m wondering how I’m going to handle an entire semester of this, let alone an entire year.

Unfortunately, this was my own decision and I’ve just got to suck it up.

Worth noting: I’ve found this odd new love of learning. I get honestly, genuinely excited to go to class. Or maybe I have explained that the wrong way… what I mean to say is that I dread going to class, but once I’m in there, I’m attentive and fully focused and ready to be productive and learn something new.

And considering I am taking basically all repeat classes this semester, I guess that’s a good thing, right? I am taking this to mean that I am maturing, somewhat, maybe, possibly.

I got to spend yesterday with Nova. A week away from her is almost unbearable. It refreshed me yesterday to be able to be with her again, but now I’ve got to deal with another week, and I am almost positive that by Friday I am going to feel just as I did near the end of last week: irrationally lonely and depressed.

I don’t really get it.

Oh well. One day at a time.

I just spent an hour and a half in the library at school doing (and completing!) English homework. I am now on one of the computers upstairs, rewarding myself with blogging, although I should really be rewarding myself with a good meal. Having a permit but not a license sucks. Having no car to practice driving with sucks. The sum of these things, having no immediate transportation, sucks the most of all. I am always stuck here for longer than I’d like to be.

I was also planning to go to the gym today and run, but that is clearly not happening today. I feel utterly and completely exhausted. Had to get up too early, and not even for anything worthwhile.

At least I did some homework and got to eat some ice cream. The latter really always makes any day worthwhile. Any day.

Tonight was a scary night. I had to deal with myself tonight, with no help from anybody or anything. It was very difficult and very saddening. I have a feeling that there will be many more moments like that throughout my time here. But inexplicably, I also have the feeling that sooner or later (preferably sooner), I will learn how to fight them off.

I’m going to have to. I have no choice.

Let me rephrase: I have a choice, but I am not giving myself another option. This has to be the way things go.

You are driving me absolutely positively insane. I realize now that it’s just going to be like this with you and me always, from now until possibly eternity. The dynamic between us hurts me. It pulls at me. It’s a current I could maybe lose myself in if I am not careful.

And you, you are so oblivious. So beautifully, wonderfully, tragically oblivious. And you always will be, and it breaks my heart. You are perpetual heartbreak. I feel it everywhere, in my soul, in my bones, and you just float on…

And I know it’s unintentional, but you weigh me down, darling.

Why is this always a constant struggle? Why, after all these goddamn years?

Dear Ashley,

It’s time to get your head on straight. You’re forgetting why you came back home and losing yourself and everything you’ve learned in the past year-and-a-half, and for what? For flames of the past? For “ones who got away”? You are higher than that these days.

Get back on the fucking road and learn how to follow it. Let go of those needless, empty distractions. You’ve got much, much bigger fish to fry.

With love,
Your (Hopefully) Higher Self