“Decisions are harder than ever right now — how can you say ‘no’ to anyone or anything? You do need to shut at least one door and soon, but you should feel totally right about it before you do so.”

This makes so much sense it’s not even funny.

I’m sorry, Tumblr. I haven’t been a very effective blogger. It’s just that anything I choose to write about just doesn’t seem worth it the minute I get two or three lines into it. Everything in my head is just so repetitive.

I’ve been feeling trapped lately. Trapped in my own boring, pathetic thoughts. I’d give anything right now to be someone else, think different thoughts, experience life in a different way. But I’d give more than anything to just… get… away.

It’s not necessarily that I want to leave, physically. I just need a spiritual lift. I need something to break through these ridiculous barriers I’ve put up over the past couple of weeks/months/years and take me away from the low place I’ve put myself in.

I want something better.
Better than settling.
Better than complacency.
Better than fighting and struggling.

But I’m trapped, and really, I have no right to try escaping anyway.

Oh dear god, I don’t know what I am doing.

baby, you’ve got the sort of hands
to rip me apart
and baby, you’ve got the sort of face
to start this old heart
but your eyes are warning me
this early morning
that my love’s too big for you, my love

baby, you’ve got the sort of laugh
that waters me
and makes me grow tall and strong and proud
and flattens me
I find you stunning, but you are running me down
my love’s too big for you, my love

and if I was stronger then I would tell you no
and if I was stronger then I would leave this show
and if I was stronger than I would up and go
but here I am and here we go again

baby, you’ve got the sort of eyes
that tell me tales
that your sort of mouth just will not say
the truth impales
that you don’t need me, but you won’t leave me
my love’s too big for you, my love

tell me what to do, to take away the you

and if I was stronger than I would tell you no
and if I was stronger than I would leave this show
and if I was stronger than I would up and go

but here I am
and here we go again.

This evening Adam said to me a million things he should have said to me while we were still together. He told me all the little romantic confessions I should have been able to hear when I was still his loving, loyal girlfriend.

It is not fair that only now do I find out how unequivocally and unconditionally he loves me. Only now, when my head is screwed on all wrong. My heartstrings pull me towards people who have no intention of loving me even nearly half as much as Adam does. I know this, yet still I do not resist the pull. Still I have not learned.

He asked me to let him pick me and Nova up tonight and take us back to San Jose for the rest of the weekend. I told him no. I have a feeling I might have just made the worst mistake of my life.

But I sure hope not. I sure hope I will be given another chance to resist the pull. Next time I swear I will be smarter, or stronger, or whatever I need to be in order to not fuck up the next time.

He laid it all out on the table, all right. Pure and simple.

“I’m not trying to be mean but you were drunk and I did what I had to to get home. That’s all. I’m sorry if you feel there’s something else but there isn’t.”

I am indescribably disappointed in myself.
I feel like I threw aside so much in such a little amount of time for this prospect that apparently was only in my head.
There were no perfect moments, no mixed signals, no subtle hints at interest.

There was nothing.

There was just me, a sad, pathetic little girl with terrible timing looking for love in all the wrong places.
The MINUTE he does something that I mistake for affection, I am off and running to set myself up for heartbreak.
For the longest week of my life, I fell head over heels for someone who I saw amazing things in. I failed to see the flaws in him.
Possibly the worst part of it all is that he tried to warn me.
He really tried to warn me.
I didn’t listen.

I didn’t listen and now my pride is in the gutter, and I am embarrassed and angry and shocked that I blindly brought this upon myself.

And it feels ridiculous to cry over someone who, in the long term, will be a completely insignificant fling. I tell myself that I refuse to do it… but I am doing it anyway, and it only serves as a reminder of how foolish I can be. Still, even after all these years.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

I never want Nova’s heart to break. I know it is going to though, because things just happen sometimes. I just want her to know herself, and always look inside herself for the love that she needs, and look to the people who will love her unconditionally, the friends she will make permanent bonds with, me, her father. I want her to always try her best, so that when her heart does break, she will not have to deal with the realization that it was really her own fault.

October 1st, 2009:
A friend may be pressing you about a decision that affects the both of you, Virgo, but if you can, put making the decision off for a few days. There is a chance that after three more days, they will see things your way and decide to go with your opinion about the issue at hand. Also, you can expect a bit more attention than usual today, as well as tomorrow. This is not crazy stalkerish attention either, it’s real interest. It seems that someone has you in their sights and is ready to fire.

I am hoping this is true. Haha.

I am doing my psychology homework and I just read about something called the basic suggestion effect of hypnosis. It is the tendency of a person under hypnosis to act as though their behavior is automatic and out of their control because it gives them an excuse to do things they might not otherwise do, since the burden of responsibility for their actions falls on the hypnotist.

I am pretty sure this effect is also applicable to myself when certain people buy me drinks.

I realized something tonight. He does not play games. He is honest and simple in his motives. There are no deceptions in his actions, no hidden messages. There is nothing more to it than what there already is. I analyze and analyze, and complicate things to no extent, and he simplifies it all without even trying.

Tonight I was scared that by being too bothersome lately I had screwed up our friendship and had to confront him about it in order to fix it. I had been scared for nothing. The confrontation was not a confrontation at all. Just a simple over-analyzed misunderstanding on my own part and a carefree laugh from him, reassuring me that I had done nothing wrong.

And that’s when it came to me: He is the epitome of balance.

So we drove around together again - this seems to be the starting point to any story with him involved - and talked about sand in our shoes and country music and other completely insignificant things, and I came to yet another realization that “those little moments” are all I need. Me needing more is not a factor.

Sure, I miss him whenever he is not within my presence, and all I think about is spending time around him because I like the way life feels like an apple in his company: crisp and light and refreshing.

But that’s okay. I have learned my lesson. It is better to savor and ration.

This is a very new feeling for me. My mind, for once, does not need to work around the tangles of a man’s actions to figure anything out. Everything is laid out on the table pure and simple. There is nothing to figure out because there are no excess layers, no useless excuses in the way. I am presented with a sharp, clear, humble view. And because I know just what is there being offered to me, I do not need to take any more than is given. Never before has this happened.

I almost don’t know what to do with myself. But I do know my shoulders feel unaccountably lighter.

In fewer words, tonight I learned how not to expect so much - something I’ve been trying to master my whole life - within a matter of minutes.

Yesterday: He and I are sitting in his car, driving to go pick up a friend. He changes the CD at a stoplight and puts on a song. “Sunshine” by Atmosphere.

I start singing along, and he turns to me and says, “You know the lyrics to this song?” I nod, smile. He says, “That’s amazing,” with this wonderful childlike happiness. The light turns green. We sing along, bumping our heads to the music. He gives me occasional glances that I catch out of the corner of my eye. I don’t know what kind of glances they are for sure but I like to think his heart is slowly melting.

Yesterday the fog had seeped in everywhere. The entire day was chilly, gray and overcast. But for three beautiful minutes, the sun came out and warmed us up, and I’d like to believe it was all because of this song, and I am incredibly satisfied knowing this pretty much perfect moment happened with him by my side.

Sometimes I feel as if these little moments are all I need, but then there are times I just feel like I deserve more, just because I have spent so long enjoying them all by myself. It gets lonely like that.

Oh, hopeless romanticism, I’ve missed you. And yet I also haven’t at all. I’ve managed to avoid you for months now, and at this inopportune stage of my life you show your face and demand that I befriend you again, even though you know current circumstances will make this extremely difficult for me to do. But you know I will do it. Very, very infuriating.